I have heard countless times in my life that when you stop searching for someone, that’s when they will appear. Of course I’ve never been one to listen to sound reasoning. My life up until the last year and a half has been going from one long term relationship right into the next one. I never have given myself the opportunity to be alone and reflect on myself, my faults and short comings and heal emotional wounds of my childhood. Ideally this should have probably been done 3 relationships ago while I was still in my early 30’s, but, details…right? I’m sure this is the reason I tend to go after the same type of emotionally unavailable men and unload all my emotional baggage on their doorstep. Actually, they never have a doorstep. It’s kind of unpacked all throughout my house and they just move in and try to hot step around it. My place is small though, so it’s inevitable that they run into my mess. I hate to say with 100% confidence that I have arrived. I feel that we should never be complacent and should constantly strive to be better versions of ourselves, but I feel that as far as relationship clarity I’m at least in the right neighborhood. I have put in the work though! Let me tell you that it has not been an easy task to look at yourself and make notes of all the times you should have gone right and instead went smooth left. After you identify those times, you backtrack and figure out why you reacted the way you did and try to somehow work that out within yourself. This process came with a lot of ‘I’m sorry’s-I don’t want you back, but I’m sorry’. I also had to forgive myself for a lot and extend myself a little grace and mercy because I’m human after all. I spent a lot of time praying for clarity and guidance too. It was a long process, but very necessary and life changing.
So, over the past year I have talked to a couple people here and there. It was nothing to write home about and was honestly more of a burden than a benefit. There was no future in any of them and the stress of the whole thing just wasn’t worth my time. The anxiety I had going into these situations told me that they weren’t for me anyway. And this time I listened to that. The man God has for me isn’t going to leave me anxious and full of confusion. So, I just kept it moving. I had faith enough to know that when it’s the right time and right person it will just be comfortable. And nothing was. This time alone allowed me to hang out with friends and live my life though, so there is no doubt that I was in the right place.
I’ll spare you the details of how the whole thing happened, but last Sunday I ended up meeting up with a friend that I have known since I was 14 years old. A group of us all hung out when we were in high school and he was always around. He was best friends at the time with my boyfriend, who I was with for 12 years and so he ended up being around until we split up in my mid 20’s. He had a girlfriend who I was friends with at the time too. We were all young and stupid and any time my ex got into some shit, this guy just happened to always be up in the mix somehow. When I tell you I wanted to hate him and ban him from my house, I mean it. But no matter how much I wanted to hate him, I just couldn’t. He was just that likable. Don’t get me wrong, he was an asshole. But it was never directed at me. And…he was funny. And…he was a big guy. He just had this presence about him and this confidence that just drew me to him. He’s one of those people that you want in your corner if some shit pops off. I trusted him and that’s not something that I say too often. I liked being around him, but never looked at him that way because we were both in a relationship. He witnessed so many crazy fights between me and my ex and so many awful moments. During that time I was off the chain with alcohol and everyone else was on drugs, so hopefully he doesn’t remember everything😬. When me and my ex finally split for good I lost contact with him too. I ran into him again several years later, at the gym of all places and we talked briefly. During that time was the worst 2 years of my life. In addition to my alcohol problem, I decided to sprinkle a little cocaine and Xanax in there too. I didn’t want to feel anything and was successful at it for a year or so. Luckily that was short lived and went back to just alcohol and eventually stopped that too. But I wasn’t in the mind frame at the time for anything and even though he had seen me crazy before, he had never seen me that out of control. But it was in that brief period that made me think of him differently. He was no longer my boyfriend’s friend, he was just him. We grew up in the same town and hated it and both moved to Austin as soon as we could. When we lost contact after seeing each other at the gym, I figured he lived here still and would ask about him here and there and nobody had seen him. If I would have really tried I could have found him, but just never did. Even though I’m sparing you the details of this most recent connection, it wasn’t something that either of us was looking for. It just sort of happened.
So when he came over last Sunday, it was just like no time had passed. We picked right back up as if we had remained in contact the whole time. Still funny, still a big dude, still nice looking. Coincidentally, he lives right up the street and he’s also single. He just got out of a long term relationship also and it seems like maybe the timing could be right. I have seen him almost every day in the last week and I’m absolutely loving every moment of it. He’s very private and doesn’t share a lot of the lovey dovey shit, but I would assume that maybe he likes it too because he keeps wanting to spend time with me. The second day he came over I was walking by and he motioned for me to sit on his lap so I did. I sat sideways across his lap and he just put his big strong arms around me and just held me. It was by far the best single moment I’ve had in the last 15 months. I felt safe. I felt secure. I trust him fully. In relationships, one of my many mistakes is that I want to label everything. I want to lock someone down to have that security that they won’t leave me. I want the lovey dovey shit and bullshit words that we all know mean nothing. The words sound great but then you’re waiting on the actions to line up and they never do. Now, I like the fact that he’s not bumping empty words in my ears but continues to want to see me every day. I got home from church today and he came over. We ate dinner and then took a nap together. Talk about perfect!!! I love to eat and sleep so it was great! When he left, he said ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’. I am absolutely crazy about this man! I am taking it slow, am not trying to define anything, and have zero expectations other than just enjoying his company. I have no sense of fear or dread or worry. I know that I know that I know that God is in control of this situation and that as long as I remain in contact with Him, he will lead me in the right direction. I am SO crazy about this man❤️
Single Sarcastic Superhero 