You sang ’til I found my song, You danced ’til my heart woke up. Now I move to the rhythm of love. I can’t praise You enough. You wept ’til I found my strength. You lost your breath dying to save me. Now I’ll never go back to that grave, I can’t praise You enough. And if time were to stall, I can never tell it all, words are few, this will have to do. I just wanna thank You… “Thank You”…Maverick City Music

I’m in such a good place right now. I think I know what peace in my soul actually feels like. Although it’s still a work in progress, I have done so much work on myself in the past year that I know that I’m on my way. I continue to pray for wisdom and guidance each morning. I have learned to just let go and just trust that God is leading me in the right direction. So many times in my life I would feel something tugging at me to do something or to not do something. I would ignore it, because I was constantly looking for a sign. I don’t know what I was looking for…maybe the heavens to open up and a man to look down and drop down a note that told me exactly what to do. But I’ve learned that the tugging on my insides this whole time was my sign. And I’ve learned to just roll with it.

So many positive things have happened in the last week that there is no question in my mind that God was saying “see what happens when you let me have control.” It started off on Friday when one of my ex’s (well not technically, because no labels, right?) sent me a message through my blog. We talked back and forth most of the day on Saturday. He’s married and has kids now, but it was such a good conversation. It made me realize exactly why I was so crazy about him. He is such a great father and husband. He has embraced the fact that he is still learning, but trying each day. He was always smart, but the things he’s learned about himself and the way he sacrifices for his family was really something positive to hear. I admit through my years of growth I always wished I had met him at a different time in my life. But I don’t anymore. Whatever role we played in each other’s life at the time was exactly how it was supposed to have been.

After that conversation, one of my other ex’s reached out to me and something told me to invite him to church. I didn’t that day because I didn’t want him to think there was a chance for us to get back together. He has multiple sclerosis and in the 5 years we were together most of our life revolved around his illness. I took complete care of him and kept his doctors appointments and medications straight while working 2 jobs. I loved the taking care of him part. Our relationship ended for other reasons, but we have remained in constant contact since. We have a major bond and I would do anything to help him, even to this day. He has helped me out financially some this past year when my ex split too. We have a bond, but just can’t be together. Sunday morning I felt the tugging and text him and asked him to meet me at church. He did. Afterwards, he told me that he hasn’t been to church since we were together and he was in need of that. Another situation that turned out exactly how it was supposed to.

Later, on Sunday, my most recent ex sent me a song. Every time I hear from him is usually through text and we end up fighting. But this time my response prompted him to call and we had a great conversation. We have not had one single conversation in 15 months that was civil and without yelling and cussing. I apologized for my part in our relationship failing and he apologized for his. There is still too much of a tumultuous history there for us to even think about reconciliation, but it still ended on a positive note. It was so bizarre that these things happened in a matter of 3 days, but I know it wasn’t just coincidence.

My emotional bucket has pretty much always been empty. The love that I received from my family always came with conditions, so my life up until this point has always been searching for a man to fill my empty bucket. My instinct is to give, even when I have nothing to give, I still give. I’m a caregiver and a nurturer and I love to help people and listen to people and take care of people. And if someone is hurting and struggling, I show up and do whatever I can do. I know what it’s like not to have that and I never want anyone to feel like that if there is something I can do to prevent it. Through the years my friends and family have given me so many lectures about who I help and question why I would do some of the things I would do. It always came from a place of love because they would see my tears and sadness and frustration and they didn’t want to see me that way. I would try to not be that way. But at the end of the day, I just am who I am.

A consistent compliment (I guess you could say) I get from men that I have dated is that they never felt more love and security from any other female aside from me. I still help people whenever I can; I still listen to people whenever I can. The difference between the old me and the new me is that I’m doing all the same things, but with a full bucket. I did all those things before hoping I would receive something back in return, and when I didn’t I would have a full-on meltdown. My bucket is so full now, that everything I’m able to give away is just extra. I don’t need anything back. I give where I can, but have boundaries now. If someone attempts to cross the line and take advantage of that, then that shows who they are. My intentions still remain pure. I am so blessed to have people who love me and listen to me and help me that I just have to give what I have received away to someone else.

I am so thankful for my full bucket❤️