If you know me, you know that I love, love. With Valentine’s Day being tomorrow, and it being my second Valentine’s Day alone, I’m good with it. Like 100% good with it. I love seeing all the posts on FB about how people met their partners and all their relationship questions and answers. I read each one in its entirety and click on the ❤️ when I’m done. My favorite posts are the ones from the men speaking so highly about their wives or girlfriends and seeing the gift they are so excited to give away. I love all that stuff. I watched a video earlier where a friend of mine got his girlfriend a James Avery charm bracelet, and when she cried, I cried. It was so sweet. She was so excited to receive it, but he was even more excited to give it (which I’m sure is why he couldn’t wait until tomorrow). The whole holiday makes me all warm and fuzzy and gets me all in the feels.
I never have any jealousy or bitterness about that sort of thing. I love to see people doing good things and loving each other. It’s so important, especially with all the strange things that have happened this last year. Life has totally changed for all of us in the last 11 months and if you can come out of all that uncertainty and chaos with love in your heart for another person, then I say you’re doing pretty good.
In asking people who have been together for a good length of time, what is the secret? Most people say it takes a lot of forgiveness and grace. And that’s so true. Unfortunately, my toxic trait is that I hold grudges. I mean I will shut someone smooth out of my life when they do something to hurt me. That is partly because before they hurt me, I can’t imagine that they ever would…like I can’t imagine that it’s even possible. So when they do, my mind gets stuck and the only thing I can focus on is when they’re going to do it again. I become fixated on that and can’t enjoy my relationship. I’m always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Some of the betrayals were pretty severe and most people would have trouble with forgiveness, but some weren’t so severe and I still shut it down. I’ve been working on that over the past year. I realize you’re not always going to get the apology you feel like you deserve and you have to forgive anyway.
It seems that when my prayers changed, so did a lot of things in my life. I’ve prayed without ceasing since my grandpa died in 2011. It was part of what I promised him. But my prayers were not right, I don’t think. I was asking for things like ‘a good man’ for example. He probably answered that and sent me a few that I wasn’t ready for. But in the last year, I have prayed for wisdom, clarity and direction. I know that me being single for so long was necessary and part of the process. I’ve learned so much and part of that was to be vulnerable and be honest about how I feel rather than hide it and cover it up. I talked to someone for a few months and I really liked the guy, like really. So, when he hurt my feelings I did what I always do and blocked him on all ways he could contact me. Recently I unblocked him and told him how I really felt. Even though it won’t work out, I feel great about being able to tell him. And it didn’t kill me. Imagine that!!
The times I wish I had a partner is when I’ve had a long day and just want someone to hold me and just let me cry it out, and tell me they love me. Dealing with my dog being sick alone is pretty hard. I know he’s old and one of these days it’s just going to be over and I’ll have to come home alone to an empty house. But God has gotten me through all the tough spots before. On Valentine’s Day, I don’t want a gift. I want to be able to give all this love I have inside of me away to a man who will love me back. And the fact that I have nobody to give it away to, tells me that it’s not the right time. And so I will wait!
Single Sarcastic Superhero 