If I were a boy…

“If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone, tell everyone it’s broken so they think that I was sleeping alone. I’d put myself first and make the rules as I go, ‘cause I know that she’d be faithful, waiting on me to come home. If I were a boy, I think I could understand how it feels to love a girl, I swear I’d be a better man. I’d listen to her, cause I know how it hurts, when you lose the one you wanted, ‘cause you’re taking her for granted and everything you had got destroyed…But you’re just a boy…”

The above is from Beyonce’s “If I were a boy” and honestly I’m not even a fan of hers, but the lyrics do hit home. My ex could come back on a white horse, while throwing hundred dollar bills and I would still be done. But finally being done means I need to get my shit together and move on. Not even sure at this point that I will ever be in the right head space for another relationship or not, but I am trying. So far, I met the married man who was completely smitten, the man who wants pictures of my feet all day and the man who can’t keep his word. SCORE for the home team!!

I’ve had many great relationships in my life and even more shitty ones, but I’m spite of it all I always knew there was someone out there who wanted the same things as me; who was tired of the bullshit and games. Before now, I always navigated the dating world with a spirit of hope and some sort of positive expectation. But this time…that ship has totally sailed.

My trust issues with men began when I was a kid. At a very young age, I knew how it felt for a man to look you square in the eyes and tell you he was going to do something that he had absolutely zero intention of following through with. As a child I didn’t really understand what was going on nor did I really have a choice but to just roll with it and hope for the best. But as an adult I decide what stays and goes in my life. As an adult, I’m so hypersensitive to a man not being able to keep their word that when he doesn’t follow through like he says it makes me insane!!! It takes me back to my childhood with my bags packed waiting for my dad to come pick me up. The words “I’m coming over” take me to the ultimate of highs just to sit and wait and eventually get a text that something came up. Makes me physically feel like someone has punched me in the stomach and I struggle to catch my breath for a few seconds. It’s more than something just randomly coming up, because obviously life happens and there are things that prevent us from following through sometimes. But in my mind I’m thinking if I was a different person, or a better person, or more attractive then I would be the priority and they would do whatever they could to spend time with me. When I do finally get to spend time with that person it’s like I don’t want to let them go. It’s like I want to be around them so much so they don’t forget me. In my life, people who have time away from me usually tend to forget about me and so in relationships it’s a constant worry I have when there is space or distance.

Ironically, of all the people I’ve talked to in the last few months, the only one who did every single thing he said he was going to do ended up being married. He was so incredibly smart and observant about the little things in life, but I had to let that one go because that’s not a road I want to travel down. The foot fetish guy had to get cut from the team too. There were a couple others that didn’t want shit but to text back and forth about mindless chatter. I don’t want to have to dumb myself down or discount my worth to make someone else comfortable. I’m not saying I’m a genius by any means, but the place that I’m at today and the person I am, I fought to get here. And if a man is in a bad spot and doesn’t have that fight, that hustle and that motivation in him that I have, and all my friends have then what can I do about that? Absolutely nothing.

Not one thing is handed to us in this life. We are not guaranteed anything. If we want something out of this life, we have to set our eyes on it and focus on doing whatever it takes to get there. Period!!! If you want something bad enough, you will sacrifice everything to make sure you get there. I’m so blessed to have so many friends who are so much better than me in many different ways. I watch them and pay attention to their choices and goals and through them, I see it’s also possible for me. They encourage me and build me up and I strive to achieve what they have achieved.

I hate the thought of being by myself during the holidays, but luckily I get to work and that gives me a sense of family and purpose. I truly love those people. I have so many couples things that I want to do and who knows if I will ever get to do any of them. But in spite of that, I still love my life and am so blessed and I just have to keep pressing forward.