Just Feel Better…🎶🎵🎶🎵

She said “I feel stranded and I can’t tell anymore, if I’m coming or I’m going. It’s not how I planned it. I’ve got the key to the door, but it just wont open. And I know, I know, I know, part of me says let it go, that life happens for a reason…” Just Feel Better-Santana & Steven Tyler

To say the last few weeks have been rough, would be a total understatement. They have been completely brutal. Covid has made an appearance at my job and the transition has forced me to work long, exhausting hours. Luckily, I love my job and we have such a good team of managers who all work well together and through the chaos, we somehow just keep pressing on. I have been given a gift from God to take what seems like an impossible situation, assess it and figure out how we’re going to get from point A to point B. Not just in this particular situation, but in a lot of different situations God has placed me in through the years, I’ve been able to see the finish line and make sure my teammates and I can successfully make it there with as few injuries as possible. I’m the type that runs to fires, so to speak. Some people see a fire and are paralyzed with fear or uncertainty and something in me goes and fills up a bucket to put it out. It’s something instinctual. I don’t even think about it really until afterwards. Some of the “fires” I’ve put out could have probably turned out pretty badly. At times throughout my life I wish I could turn off that switch and stay in my lane and keep it rolling, but I just can’t.

You lost your job? Come over and I’ll fix your resume and get you another one. You aren’t able to work because you were diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at the age of 35? Come over and let’s get your disability paperwork taken care of and let’s replenish your lost income. You’re moving to an apartment on the 3rd floor and not sure how you’re going to get your washer and dryer up the stairs? I’ll be there in the morning with my manly strength and you’ll be washing clothes by noon. In those situations, getting from point A to point B is easy for me. I can see what we’re trying to do, and help us get there. But when it comes the emotional aspect of my life, I have been stuck on point A for 41 years. And that’s the absolute truth, and THAT is why I’m single.

In the last 10 years I have done quite a bit of soul searching, but nothing like I have searched in the last 8 months. In the last 8 months, by choice, I have spent probably 95% of my time when I’m not working, at home, alone and trying to discover myself. My true self. I must say, some of my discovery has been comical, some has humbled me because in spite of me, there are so many people who love me, and a lot of it has been painful. I feel like God has been trying to get me alone for many years now. But, in being human and flawed, I have completely ignored Him and just hopped into another relationship where the disfunction of the relationship distracts me from healing myself and moving forward toward the purpose God has for my life. But I am definitely listening now. Better late than never, I guess.

Growing up, my struggle wasn’t the same struggle that other people have endured. I never wondered what I was going to eat, was always able to wear the ‘cool’ clothes to school; I had all the things that money could buy. And looking back, having that was something I am grateful for. I know my family loved me, so nothing I am about to say is to bash them or make them feel badly at all. I know they did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. But…I was hurting.

At 41, I can count on both hands the times anyone in my family has put their arms around me and told me they loved me. I remember spending the night with friends as a kid and their family was hugging them and loving on them, and I was thinking “These people are crazy! This is so weird.” It was something foreign to me. My dad and mom divorced when I was 3 and they didn’t co-parent so well together, to say the least. I suffered extreme emotional trauma because my dad didn’t show up for me, physically or emotionally. I’ve heard various things over the years as to why…he was too busy with other things, she made it too difficult…not so sure which one is true. I would assume maybe a little of both, but what I DO know for sure, was that none of it had anything to do with me. But yet, I suffered the most from it. My father has never told me of my value, and has never told me what I deserved from a man, and has never given me a reason to trust a man. Early on in my life that seed was planted. The seed of distrust, insecurity, and only being able to depend on myself. And I took that shit and have been riding it out ever since. But like Dr. Phil says… “How is that working out for you?” It’s NOT!

Those things are what I bring in to every relationship I get in. That’s not to say I can’t trust someone, because I can. But let a man not follow through or keep his word one time…I will be the first one in some fatigues and face paint, hiding in the bushes at his momma house trying to see what else he’s not being honest about. Yes, I’ve done it. Granted, it was back in my 20’s, but I have done it. More recently, what that makes me do, is question everything that he says. You might think to yourself, that’s not so bad, but… I can assure you that it is. “Why did you say this? And why did you say that? And what did he say, when you said…And who is she? And why did she comment on that picture? And how long have you known her? And she must not be a family friend, because she ain’t friends with your momma on FB” Now, what should have happened, was that when I realized he didn’t value or respect me enough to tell me the truth, or keep his word, that I politely said “Buh-bye…” and kept it moving. But what had happened was…I just became a complete and total idiot and made myself look like a fool trying to control everything and be in the middle of everything and shut down everything, so that he was confined to this little small area. Ever win a goldfish at a carnival? That little small fish bowl they come in…Yep! That’s where I wanted him. As long as he’s in this small area here, I can have my eyes on what he does. He’s not going to mess up as long as I’m here watching him. It was exhausting for me, and pure hell for him. Sometimes it be like dat…

So, where do I go from here? Not everyone in life has had a perfect childhood. But how do some people come out of that and have great marriages? What have they done that I haven’t been able to do? I think it’s simply to forgive and let go. I don’t mean ‘simply’ as if it’s easy to forgive and let go, because if it was that easy, I would have already done it. But the definition is simple…stop feeling angry or resentful toward. I think that if I could learn to forgive and let go of how I think things should have been in my life, then I can learn to appreciate the fact that I am where God wants me to be. I have been working on this in my life for months now, and I have said I have forgiven people every day when I pray. But I would assume that when the forgiveness comes from my heart and not just my words, then God will know it and reveal to me someone who I can love and trust and respect and who can be my partner on the rest of my journey…

So today, I’m choosing to forgive…