I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that🎶🎵🎶… Establish non-negotiables

I’ve written this post in its entirety three times, but each time it went a little too far into Grenade and his life, which I didn’t find fair. I never asked his permission to share his business and therefore I didn’t feel it was a good idea. So, having said that, I will try my best to get my feelings out without putting all his business in the street. 

A couple years ago, my pastor, who is an author and also does public speaking did a conference that I attended. Grenade had also committed to going, but wasn’t able to attend last minute. I get anxiety about going to places and having to make small talk with people who I don’t know, but keeping my word is more important than my anxiety, so I went. Honestly there are a lot of things I would like to do and experience in life, but my anxiety usually gets the best of me. I don’t ever feel like I have enough of a contribution to make small talk with people. Everything I do in life is with a purpose. But, I really wanted to go to the conference, so I put on my big girl panties and went. At one point he asked us all to write down what our non-negotiables were. What are your deal breakers? What will you not compromise? I don’t recall him talking necessarily about romantic relationships. As I can recall, it was all relationships. Work. Friendships. Romantic relationships. Like a lot of us in the room, I struggled with one, let alone three. Of course I was looking through the prism of romantic relationships and had several things written on my paper that I scratched out. My partner has to…attend church services and really chase God, scratch. My partner has to…be clean and sober, scratch. My partner has to…have an established career, scratch. My partner has to…have his own place to live and be self sufficient, scratch. 3 hours later, I ducked my head, and dipped out with a jacked up piece of paper containing nothing but a bunch of chicken scratch. Not one single thing…NOT A SINGLE THING. So basically that says, someone can just show up in my life and I’ll just roll with it. The whole car ride home, I racked my brain. Pulled in the driveway…you guessed it. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. I suppose had I established these non negotiables ahead of time, this is where the story would end. But it doesn’t. 

Assuming we are honest with someone in the beginning about who we are and what we want out of life, it is up to the other person to accept those things or not. Or decide mutually that your lives could merge together in a positive, productive way, or not. It’s nothing personal really. There are a lot of good people in the world who just happen to have different priorities and may be headed in different directions. And that’s ok. For example, if you have someone who is really passionate about animals and the other person is deathly allergic to animals it would never work out. Unfortunately though, what we end up doing is compromising our non negotiables. We become so wrapped up in the honeymoon stage of the relationship that we end up minimizing these things, or convincing ourselves that these things aren’t really that important to us, or even worse, that you can change the other person. That’s what I’m guilty of. The things about Grenade that he was actually honest about, I felt like I could change. It works great for a while (shall we dare to say 2 years?) and by the time you’re wanting to light his shit on fire in the front yard and have such frustration, and anger and bitterness toward him, you have to sit back and acknowledge…I knew this is how he was and I continued anyway. I can’t even be mad at him, because I knew. He didn’t have a steady employment history when you met him and now you spend your evening pouting because he’s not working hard enough to find a job. What did you think was going to happen? And he’s frustrated and hurt because you keep harassing him and he ends up feeling like, “she’s always complaining and nothing is ever good enough for her.” It’s a two-way street though. If Grenade had established non-negotiables of his own we wouldn’t be here either. One thing that immediately comes to mind is how I told him out the gate that I don’t stay away from home overnight…EVER! EVER! But he has family that lives 3 hours away and he was always upset that I wouldn’t load up the car and just head out of town on a whim. It’s not like I promised him a road trip monthly and then just backtracked on my commitment. He was aware from the beginning that my dog is my priority and I will never mess up his routine or put him in a situation that causes him anxiety. But that certainly was a source of conflict. But he knew what it was. My suggestion is to establish these things ahead of time so that you aren’t all in your feelings and let all logic just blow out the window because you get butterflies in the beginning. That’s what I’m trying to do now before I get into another relationship. Those butterflies are great in the beginning (man, are they great), but they end up feeling like daggers when you overlook something that is truly important to you, just to be in a relationship. And hear me when I say this…this will make you disappointed to your core if you compromise yourself for someone else. 

But why, though? What makes otherwise intelligent people see a box of red flags and decide you’re going to date it for 6 months? For me, it was because there were so many other good things about Grenade, that I just overlooked so many of the things that should have been deal breakers. Also, for me, the clock was ticking and I was pushing 40 at the time and had never been married. My age, combined with the fact I could never give a man children made me always feel less-than. It was difficult for me to set standards and hold to them because I automatically felt as if I didn’t have as much to bring to the table as other women. I want to punch myself in the throat for having that mentality. No, I have never been married…truth. No, I don’t have children..truth. But, I also don’t have failed marriages either. I also don’t have children that I’m paying child support on and never see. So much in life is about perspective. I also have faith and I know that I know that I know, that there is someone out there who thinks I’m absolutely perfect the way I am, flaws and all. I just have to be patient and trust God’s timing and not my own. And that’s what I’m doing.

“At your absolute best, you won’t be enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you will be enough for the right person”