In order for Christ to show himself to us, the only thing we have to do is to take a step out in faith. He will handle the rest. Just trust me on this. This morning was a prime example.
The past 2 weeks have been incredibly tough for me. And so, I do what any good Christian would do…smile, say that everything is “great,” and suffer in silence. I have been struggling with these debilitating headaches several days a week for the past year. As someone who has suffered with migraines since I was a child, I’m no stranger to pain. These are different though. As I can recall, the first time I woke up with my whole head feeling as if someone was stabbing me on the inside was about a year ago. In the time since, they have become more and more frequent and prevent me from functioning. I still have a migraine or two sprinkled in here and there, which luckily don’t come on usually until the early to late afternoon. By that time, I have accomplished most of what I need to accomplish for the day and just melt down totally once I get home. These new headaches have sent me to the emergency room on more than one occasion. Once they determined it wasn’t a ruptured aneurism, they sent me packing with a RX for some good ol’ pain pills. My history with addiction won’t allow me to take pain meds. I worry that I will feel so good, that one won’t be enough any longer. The same way that one drink was never enough to combat the emotional pain that I have had in various stages in my life. I know myself too well. Even if I remain in the same place, I’m not interested in going backwards and the meds are too much of a risk for me.
In addition to the issue with my headaches, I have been going through a tough time with my mother. This is not something new either. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you are trying to receive love from your mother, and it continues to fall flat. I do acknowledge that my choices and behavior when I was younger was a huge contributor to our tumultuous relationship. I have tried unsuccessfully to get back in her good graces in the time since. This feeling of being unloved has given me a personal bar that continues to raise each time I achieve something. (I’m not saying she doesn’t love me-I just don’t always feel it) I take on all these responsibilities and tasks thinking that if I just make it to ‘here’, I will be filled on the inside. I must be the hardest worker in the room, which will give me the illusion of contentment. I must be the first one to arrive at a place; work, church, any volunteer activity I’m involved in. If I’m the first one there, then nobody can say I’m lazy. I started at the age of 44, trying to earn my bachelor’s degree. If I achieve this, then my life will have value. Each time I accomplish something, I add something else to my plate. I’m not a psychologist, but perhaps the reason I do that is to somehow not convince myself that I am worthy, but to convince my mother. We cannot have a basic conversation without it bringing out 30 years of hurt feelings and bad blood. Just like a romantic relationship; we are decent people apart, but it’s like gasoline and fire when we’re together. I don’t know how to love her how she needs, and she doesn’t know how to love me how I need. Last week, during one of our dustups, I got mouthy and told her I wish she could be a different mother. It was a poor choice of words, I admit, but I didn’t mean it the way she and everyone else would take it. I meant it not as if she was a bad human being, because she’s not. I meant it like I wish she could be the type of mother, who no matter what terrible thing I did, she would return the next day to tell me that she loves me, despite that. That’s what I need from her. And she’s my mother. I thought that was just how it worked. Several days later when the dust settled a bit, she told me that she has a hard time warming up to me because I was a liar, a thief and she couldn’t trust anything that came out of my mouth for such a long period of time. She said it hurt her that I chose to live with 2 different sets of friends when I was in high school. As hard as that was to hear, it was true. I told my mom that her statement about me was the truth. I WAS those things. All those things, and probably more. That was fair. And in that moment, it all made sense to me. I appreciated her telling me that. My mother is so non-confrontational and bury your head in the sand and I couldn’t be more opposite of that if I tried. I knew what it took for her to say it and I was thankful. In those 30 seconds of her finally telling me the truth, I knew that no matter what I do, I will never have the relationship with my mother that I desire so I must let it go and accept the relationship that we have.
All in all, I’ve just been in a funk. I love my job, but I constantly feel something tugging at me telling me that I should be doing something else for the remainder of my life. I have genuinely thought about turning in my notice and working at a gas station so that when I clock out for the day, mentally I can clock out as well. I seriously doubt I will be thinking about someone’s “$20 on pump number 4” when I leave for the day. Working at a job where you don’t take it home with you will allow me the much-needed time to discover my purpose. I enjoy writing and I just assume my purpose involves writing in some capacity. I have started 3 separate books and a study program for church, but I am always so busy that I have a hard time seeing them through to completion. I am just involved in so many things that I desire to fly under the radar for once and sit on the couch and eat Cheetos, and not just look like I do. I have debated resigning from my church duties as well. Things seem to be going in such a positive direction on the church front that I’m not needed that much anymore. There are so many people in attendance who show up and have a true heart for serving others. It’s wonderful to see the Lord working. Knowing that, seems to be an appropriate time to exit stage right. These are all things that I carry internally.
Last weekend, I had a Brittney Spears 2008 moment and shaved all my hair off. I wanted to strip myself down to the most basic and undesirable exterior and see what I am made of from the inside. I probably will never do it again, but I must admit that it was totally liberating. Taking away the shiny exterior gives me nothing to hide behind. I’m just there. The real, uncut version. All these things have been going on that NOBODY knew about.
Last night after I finished working, I went to church to get things ready for the service today. I had it all set up and ready to go. Nobody knew this, but I had no plans on going to church today. I wanted to take a day to lay in bed and do nothing. I had gotten my homework assignments done last night and before I went to bed, set one alarm for 6am and one for 7am. The 6am alarm was for me to text my pastor and let him know I wasn’t coming in today and the 7am alarm was for me to get out of bed and go to the couch where I planned on spending the remainder of the day. When I woke up at 6am, with no headache and not one single ounce of pain in my body, I realized that I had to go to church. I owed it to God, for allowing me to wake up pain free. Keep in mind that even though the pastor and his family are friends of mine, he shares nothing with me about his message. The sermon title is the only thing I am given. Today’s sermon title was “What God Sees”. Yesterday morning, on my way to work, I created the image for the Facebook post and for the video on the screen. It was a picture of a person and a mirror for the face. (I get so emotional sometimes thinking about how God works in our lives) Imagine my surprise this morning when Pastor Melvin had little mirrors to hand out as part of his sermon. Ahhh…maybe it was a coincidence that I picked out a picture with a mirror. I didn’t say anything about it. The scripture today was Romans 5:8-10. My favorite bible verse is Romans 5:8. At this point, I’m starting to think that maybe it’s a little more than a coincidence. When he started his message today, he said he was nervous which was a little odd for him to say. He’s a confident speaker so that was kind of strange. He told us to look in our mirrors at ourselves and think about what we see. I am a woman with a #2 guard buzz cut, so I was not about to look at that mirror. I got the gist of it. And then he just spent the next 25 minutes sharing God’s words to my heart. He spoke about how it wasn’t that long ago that we were all babies, and our parents held this perfect little being and loved us in all our perfection. In that moment we could do no wrong. We were innocent. And then life happened. He spoke about us being told negative things about ourselves by people and that sometimes those things are what we see when we look at ourselves in the mirror. I knew when I woke up this morning that I had to trust God and just go. Even though I wasn’t in a place where I truly wanted to. When Pastor Melvin said “maybe you’ve been told that you are a liar, or a thief or that you can’t be trusted…” (The EXACT words I was told by my mom), I knew that the message today was for me. The most important thing that I took away from the message was no matter what negative things someone may have said about you; No matter what your past looks like; No matter where you are in this very moment in time, Christ’s love for us is unconditional. There is no deed we can do to make Him love us any more, and there is no sin we can commit to make Him love us any less. What a comfort that should be for us all.
I encourage us to all take a step in faith…even if we don’t feel like it. That message today was for me. I know it was and it gave me so much comfort. There are so many things that God has…just for you and you alone. Just take a step and allow Him to show you. And to think, I almost missed out on something that was created so beautifully just for me.
Single Sarcastic Superhero 