Felt Like Home…

There’s something in your eyes, that makes me wanna lose myself; Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms. There’s something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast, hope this feeling lasts… Feels like home to me, feels like home to me, feels like I’m all the way back where I belong. If you knew how much this moment means to me and how long I’ve waited for your touch… “Feels Like Home” by Chantal Kreviazuk

The song above is from my favorite part of one of my favorite movies, “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days”. This is the link, and is only 3 minutes. Trust me, it’s worth it. https://youtu.be/mTyqi2Tqjcs Of course, they love each other, it’s a romantic comedy, but that aside I like how much emphasis is on the way the hug from his mother made her feel. I think people take physical touch for granted, and perhaps there was a point where I did too. But after this last year and a half, I can assure you I never will again.

Sometimes I think I’m too independent and self sufficient to even be in a relationship. I have a huge issue with letting my guard down and letting people know that I need something or need them for something. But it’s a complete and total defense mechanism. In my life growing up, when I became too much to deal with or whatever was going on with me became too complicated, people would just wash their hands of me and leave. Subconsciously, what I learned from that was that as long as things were peaceful and easy then people would stay around. If what I’m asking for becomes too complicated or requires too much emotional or physical effort, then I’m not worth it and people will leave me. I have carried this false mindset into every relationship. I’m a nurturer though naturally, and it’s a gift to be able to serve others, but I’m not sure how much of that is real or how much is going overboard to keep people from leaving me.

My ex and I had a cleaning business briefly and that situation just confirmed that people will definitely leave when things get difficult. I have never had the luxury of being able to go running back to my mother when shit gets tough. I’m not sure if I’m bitter about that or thankful that it made me so self sufficient. I guess a little of both. But the real world was too tough and sometimes people can’t handle it. He’s a good person, and we’ve actually turned a corner where we can have a conversation, but if I was putting money on who would follow through or keep their word, in literally any situation…my money would not go on him. At all. EVER! A lot of men I have met over the years have had that same mindset though. Having that thought process makes it so difficult for me to respect this type of man. Of course I’ll still date them for 2 years just to make sure I’m not missing something…😬.

That’s why it was so completely comforting when I hooked back up with my old friend. I 100% respect him, which, for me, means I would never ever put him in any type of situation where he would look less than, or stupid. As I mentioned before, I have known him for 30 years, literally. And I have ALWAYS been attracted to him, but more than that I respect him. He’s so resilient and strong and has just this presence about him. He’s a man. Like a manly man. He tells me shit and I just listen. Not in like a controlling way, but like I want to listen. I want him to guide me and lead me because I trust where we’re going. If you know me at all, even if you have a 5 minute conversation with me, you know how out of character that is for me. I don’t listen to anyone and I do exactly what I want to do. But with him, it was different. He’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met and I tend to gravitate towards people who can laugh at shitty situations that life throws and who can also laugh at themselves. He has so many qualities that I desire in a partner. He’s just a good soul. The last couple of months have made me realize how much I genuinely care for this man. Unfortunately there are 2 problems with that. The main problem, and I guess we could stop there, is the fact that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. The other problem is how he handles things that require communication.

Everyone has feelings about things. Everyone has a right to feel these things. They are normal. Being upset about something or being hurt about something is a normal response. But just not talking about it or addressing certain things is what I can’t handle. Not everything is said to argue. Some things are said to allow clarification from the other person. And when something upset him, he just stopped talking. I can’t get with that. The song above is obviously about him, and being with him in any capacity, friendship or otherwise, felt like home. And it was comfortable. I sensed he pulled back pretty quickly. Even after he was honest about not wanting a relationship with me, I was good with it. I didn’t push it. I wouldn’t have. But I kept quiet, my feelings and emotions and affection. So many times I wanted to hug him and show him through my affection what he meant to me, but I held back because I didn’t want him to leave. I completely stopped trying to pursue anything with anyone else in the last couple of months because I just wanted to see if there was something there. But, since there’s not, I let him know that I still wanted to be friends. Even though it didn’t end up how I hoped, I am still thankful. This taught me a lot, honestly. I appreciate the fact that even though it was difficult, he told me where I stood in his life. Further proving that he’s a real man. It taught me that, deep down, I need a leader in my life. And it also reminded me that I still have a lot of love to give. I was getting worried there for a while that I had closed off that portion of me.

Alone again, but still blessed beyond measure❤️