🎶🎵Just leave me alone, just let me let go. I won’t be your back-up, better than nothin, or your anything’s better than being on your own. Do what you do best when I need you the most…just leave me alone🎶🎵

So, after 8 months of isolating myself and soul searching, I decided I’m totally done being alone. And since I enjoy a good challenge, I came to this decision in the middle of a world-wide pandemic. I posted a profile on popular dating website. 😬

I must admit this decision has been so terribly difficult. At any point in the last 8 months, if my ex would have come to my house to have a conversation with me about things, I would have gladly taken him back. Little does he know that I have a litany of things to apologize for and would have loved the opportunity to say them face to face. I have dreamt many times of the day he comes over and all the unspoken words would pour out of my heart to his ears. Quite honestly the reason I never tried to even talk to anyone else was because I was convinced at some point he would miss me enough to make the sacrifice. I didn’t want to be involved with someone when he did, because I already knew how that would turn out. But if he didn’t sacrifice when we were together, I shouldn’t expect that when we’re not, right? But, stupidly, I still had that tiny shred of hope.

This year has been insane and when the calendar switched to September, I realized just how long I have been allowing this to occupy space in my heart. I suppose if he would just totally leave me alone then I could have healed already, but he will text me every so often and the scab is ripped off again. I wasn’t ready to block him until a few days ago. He doesn’t want shit from me except to make sure I can’t fully move on. And I think it’s a really cruel and shitty thing to do to a person, so I’m done with it. People do some pretty desperate things to keep relationships going and if I’m not even worth a face to face visit, then I need to receive that. And I finally do.

So far, this dating website is overwhelming. Assuming I’m not being catfished, there are some pretty good looking men out there who are interested in talking to me. And I have been talking it up. Mainly to one person. I’m still not sure though…But I do know I need to enjoy myself. Life is too short!!