In my mind there is always a song playing. In a matter of minutes I can go from Biggie to Dustin Lynch and then over to Al Green and then to Elevation Worship. I have musical A.D.D. In the middle of one song, it can trigger a memory and I will switch to a different song from a completely different genre. Fun fact: I very seldom will let a song play all the way through. Songs can totally dictate my mood. One minute I’m crying and then I play some Lizzo…🎵🎶 “woo child, tired of the bullshit, go on dust your shoulders off…keep it movin…feelin good as hell” and all of a sudden I’m in a great mood thinking this isn’t all that bad.
Today though, I was listening to Lewis Capaldi and was crying in my office. Most days I feel torn between feeling sad and then feeling guilty for feeling sad because I have so many things to be thankful for. Before my feet hit the floor every morning I thank God that I woke up and that I am getting ready to go to a job that I love. Going to a job that I love is a gift that not many people have and I do NOT take that for granted. My worst day there is still better than my best day at any other place I have worked and I am extremely blessed. I am blessed in so many ways. I have good, solid friends…friends who aren’t afraid to call me out when I’m out of line, but will also be the first one in my corner when some shit’s about to pop off. I have family who loves me, and I’m blessed to have a grandma who will be 90 years old at the end of the month. I have the best dog in the world, a roof over my head, food in my belly, money in the bank, a huge heart, and I live a life that I’m proud of. I couldn’t always say that.
Going through a breakup is difficult. This isn’t my first, and who knows if it will be my last. Everyone in the world gets heartbroken at some point and my mind knows that I’ve got to shake it off and keep moving on, but my heart keeps saying… “But, what if…”. My heart has gotten me into a lot of trouble through the years, let me tell you.
It’s understandable when you go through a break up, you feel like you aren’t worth anything and if you have always struggled with feelings of insecurity it tends to magnify those feelings. I stay up some nights thinking of every single wrong thing I’ve done in my life and sometimes feel like I deserve to have the pain I feel. There is not one second in the day that my heart doesn’t ache. There is not one single day that my mind doesn’t take me back and wish I could have done things differently in my relationship and maybe there would be a different outcome. My work distracts me from that for the most part. Even though I cuss a little (I love Jesus, but I cuss a little🤷🏻♀️)I have such a deep relationship with God, that when those things come over me, I am able to say a little prayer and get through it. I am also thankful for that.
My ex read my first blog because I was an idiot and sent it to him, but he said that I’m not taking ownership of any of my wrongs. So, let me just say right now that I know I’m not perfect. I mean, you know and I know, there’s probably a good reason that I’m 41 and not married. I don’t dispute that. According to him, I will probably die alone. I have also acknowledged that is a good possibility, although I’m not speaking that into existence. I am mouthy and controlling, insecure and bitter, am crazy organized to the point it’s irritating to people. I trust very few people. I become attached to even less people than I trust. I am selfish. I can’t relax. I always have to be doing something. A while back, my mind would just stop there. Pitch a tent and eat, sleep, and live in my insecurities. But I know that those things aren’t the sum of who I am. Those things make me a good leader, a good friend, a hard worker, someone who will stand up for the little guy, someone who generally says what everyone else is thinking. I’m dependable, honest, trustworthy. Anyone who knows me, knows that I will always show up. And when I trust someone, and love someone, I will do anything in my power to keep them from experiencing any type of pain and I become their protector. Just like everyone else in the world, there is good and bad in me.
None of us were born this way. Our life experiences, good and bad, have molded us into who we are. The older I get, the more I have been able to see things from another perspective. Although I may not agree with someone, I can usually understand why they do the things they do. Being like that has made me more compassionate, less angry, and less judgmental. I’m always asking “why?” Why? Why? Why? My ex also told me that I’m nosy. And I may very well be, but the reason I continued to ask why, was so I could understand him. I wanted to be more compassionate and less angry. He never did open up. Never. I also wanted him to understand me, which he never took the time to try. You know how someone may have a physical flaw? You know, you would never say something about it because chances are, they may have gotten made fun of for it when they were a kid. Instead, you would reassure them they are handsome in your eyes and make them feel less insecure about it. Same thing with emotional stuff, you want someone who understands you instead of yelling at you about how insecure or controlling you are. You want someone who can ease your insecurities and understand that maybe the reason you are so controlling is because you’ve never been able to depend on someone.
Relationships are tough. Merging your baggage with someone else’s baggage can be catastrophic. But if you find someone who will take the time to reassure you that it’s safe to let go of the old to make room for the new, it can be a beautiful thing.
Single Sarcastic Superhero 